Experience Doesn't Equal Invulnerability
by NoNameBrand101
Summary: Drugz, a unicorn, a car crash, and really poor morals! Crack, one-shot. (Rated M for language)


**Ah fuck.**

 **I couldn't come up with any ideas for a fanfiction, so I wrote down a bunch of random fandoms and even more random ideas, threw the papers in a hat, and picked 'em. So here's the end result!**

 **Also the hat idea was inspired by LittleKuriboh's** ** _Fanfiction Friday_** **'s (and he was inspired by a thing at a panel at a convention he went to), except my version is shittier and more half-assed. Enjoy!**

* * *

When a city is being overrun by large nude cannibals, people tend to freak out. The constant fear and anxiety will eventually lead people to begin searching for a way to escape reality, and because _The Sims_ doesn't exist in this world, the next best thing is alcohol! Oh, but what's that? Alcohol is too expensive and difficult to acquire? Well then, my dear, have you considered drugz?

Thank Talos that the Survey Corps exists! People's taxes will only pay for so much equipment damage, so what better way to obtain even more money than by extorting it from a paranoid and fear stricken populace?

In other words, for years now, the Survey Corps have been secretly selling some of Hange's home-grown and produced drugs, ranging from marihuana to crystal meth. This secret side business has been growing for years now, and in reality the Survey Corps has a much tighter grip on the city than people realize. Of course, all of this still needs to be kept secret, or else people will realize how corrupt everything truly is.

As a rule, new recruits will need to undergo one final, secret test before they can officially join the Survey Corps. They need to make a delivery.

If they refuse to take the test, they are disposed of. If they fail the test, they are disposed of. If they take the package for themselves, they are disposed of.

This is one of the reasons why the Survey Corps has such a hard time getting new recruits.

Finally, the day for Eren and Palz has come: the time to deliver some drugs.

* * *

Marco was driving down the street, humming a soft tune to himself. It was pitch black outside as the moon had retreated behind the clouds. Marco wasn't worried, for he was an experienced driver.

 _EXPERIENCE DOESN'T EQUAL INVULNERABILITY. (_ Is that The Moral?! - My Sister)

"…only half the man he used to be OH SHIT-" Marco swerved the car off the road as a shadowy figure jumped out of the bushes. The car spun out of control, spinning and spinning until it crashed into a tree, and caught on fire.

As the vehicle, and Marco, exploded into tiny, unrecognizable pieces, the unicorn that Marco almost hit turned towards the reader and said in Armin's voice, "Remember kids, don't avoid the unicorn, hit it."

 _Disclaimer: Armin the Unicorn offers terrible advice; please don't listen to anything he says._

* * *

"…And that's what happened to our other recruit last night. Any questions?" Oden Cook, simply known as O.C, asked.

Everyone raised their hands.

O.C pointed his mini-gun at the special children. "Any questions?" He repeated.

Mina, Thomas, and a bunch of other people who would've died eventually anyways kept their hands up, _but not for long._

O.C stood silently as the bodies fell. "Okay, so today you'll all be delivering drugs to random strangers!" He announced, throwing the ironically named gun aside.

"Sir, you just killed a bunch of our friends," another O.C proclaimed.

"Shh, my child, pay them no mind," the Original O.C said. "S'anyways, the bags with the assorted drugs are in that suspicious storage closet over there, see you later." And with that, O.C dashed into the night.

Everyone silently grabbed their bags, except for Jean, who was in shock because his Gods damn friend just died in a _car crash_ while trying to avoid an oncoming _unicorn. Italics_ for _emphasis._

Meanwhile, Armin was plotting.

 _'Muahahaha…'_ he thought, _'no one realizes that t'was I who murdered Marco. Now the bag of drugz that he would have had is mine! No one else may have you, my precious!'_

Armin's friends assumed that his heavy breathing and constipated expression was due to him having another freak out, and so they ignored him. Eren was "mildly" upset because this exercise did not involve slaying any titans.

"TITANS! INSERT PLOT HERE."

Everyone looked towards the horizon as a giant hand reached up and gripped the wall in the distance. People stood frozen in fear as a gigantic bald head rose above it. People screamed, panicked, but the 104th Training Corps Cadets simply stared.

"I-is that… Marco!?" Jean shrieked.

Yes, indeed, for the titan had Marco's face _ohhhh nooooooo-_

* * *

"HOLY SHIT!" O.C proclaimed, bolting out of his bed. He gasped in air, trying to calm his racing heart. O.C whipped the sweat from his brow and looked out of the window at the moon above. "It was just a dream…" he whispered quietly. Suddenly, a knock on his door.

O.C made his way downstairs and opened his door. A young man greeted him, holding out a bag. "Delivery," the child explained.

"Oh, no thank you," O.C replied to the young training cadet, "I think I'm gonna stop taking drugz for a while."

* * *

 **Fandom: Attack on Titan**

 **Plot elements\random shit: Drugz, OC, shoe horned moral,** ** _The Last Unicorn._**


End file.
